No one is going to read this, but I need to put it out there.

I’m writing because my horoscope told me to. It told me I have a talent to write but I haven’t been using it and if I don’t put it to work I am going to lose it. I write to feel better. Only depressed people are good writers, maybe that’s why I haven’t been writing, because I have been happy. But that’s a lie. I think I have avoided writing so one day I can forget about this time in my life. Pretend it never happened.

Ive gone through worse, much much worse. But I am still at a low. Less than 25 days from moving to Brooklyn where my life is going to be flipped upside down. Across the world from the only boy I want to be with but secretly I know there is a reason we never worked out. Stuck in Boulder with a boyfriend I cannot stand to kiss, but refuse to get rid of. I’m writing because my horoscope told me to.

I’m sick of my sisters making the house a mess and not cleaning up or helping out. I’m sick of my parents being worried about money as we all have our boyfriends here constantly using water and eating our food. I’m sick of my dad entering into the stage in his life where he is unhappy at all times. I’m writing because my horoscope told me to.

So where to now? Upstairs to have spaghetti dinner with my family on Shabbat? To Boulder to try and fix the latest shithole of a relationship I have ruined? Take a sleeping pill and stay in bed for the rest of the night? I need to get out of here. I am not girlfriend material, this is not the first time I have come to this realization in my life, it is just the first time I am actually realizing it is a true statement and I may never be able to marry someone. Get me to New York where I can be buried in schoolwork and helping people with no time to worry about anything else. Get me to Thailand where I can care for people and see the much bigger problems in the world in order to forget about mine. I’m writing because my horoscope told me to.