Spinning my wheels

Too many thoughts on the brain to go to sleep. Such a range of things too. This weekend was overall pretty worthless I would say. I should have gone to Coachella (music festival in Cali) with some old friends of mine, but I chose not to. Why? Well for one I definitely don't have the money. But, I also thought maybe I would miss out on something here, like hanging out with my friends or a guy that I spend some time with these days. I was WAY wrong. Everyone ended up working all day everyday and I spent most of my time alone, which, as most of us know, I do not enjoy after last semester. So what happened was I went in and out of mood swings as I attempted to do school work and find a place to live for next year. Mostly I would say I was in a bad and annoyed mood. I am sick of missing out on things because I try to plan to be with people. I feel like I am always planning my life around someone and then miss out on things because of it. I need to stop and learn that I should take the chances of losing some money and time spent with people because I never know what might happen when I do.
It sucks because I like people to think of me as a generally happy and life-loving person. But lately I haven't been that way and I don't know why. I have these mood swings of emotions that overwhelm me and ruin everything. I think I am still adjusting to being able to feel emotion. I wonder how long it will take me to understand all the emotions possible... I feel so behind.
One fun thing I did do this weekend was go to this city in Arizona known as "Little Mexico" called Guadalupe. Surprisingly and slightly scarily not far from Tempe lies this ghetto town that even Mexicans can get nervous about entering. I went because I have this list of things to do before I graduate and going and adventuring in Guadalupe is one of them. So my friend Marco and I went to a carnival in Guadalupe and I was the ONLY white person there. Not even white girl, just white person; with my Versace glasses on (because I need contacts since I seem to be going blind) and my thinning hair. Everyone stared and some people tried to talk to me like it was no big deal that I was sitting there waiting for my friend on the Zipper (roller coaster) all by myself. Honestly, I enjoyed being there, I liked to watch how these people interacted with each other, the clothes they wore and how everyone seemed to be related whether it was "oh that's my sister's nephew" or "nope that one's mine!" The best part of the whole night was across the street was a fiesta and what did they have? STREET TACOS! I haven't had them in years (the last time I went to Sayulita) and they were amazing! Just like tacos from the red chair place in Sayulita, all I needed was a crepe and I would have felt like I was there. My friends and I decided to get a few drinks at our favorite bar "Monkey Pants" down the street from our apartment to finish off the night.
So that was my one crazy and fun night, which was actually quite relaxed the whole time. Today was just as lame as the last two and I have to work in the morning but can't sleep because of all these stupid things on my mind. My foot really hurts, I think I did something to it during my run last night, it hurt all day but I went running today anyway.
I am supposed to go to a Formal this Friday but I don't like any of the dresses I have. I really should get a hair cut because my split ends are taking over the few hundred hairs I do still have. Luckily I can paint my own toes and nails! But my brows need a serious hacking at.
Then there is always this one person. This person I enjoy spending time with, but who doesn't have all the time I want to have with. This person does a lot of volunteering and extracurriculars and it takes up most of the time. I'm at a point where I cant decide if I would be happier with or without this person in my life because when I'm not with it I want to be and get annoyed when we cant hang out but when we are together I worry about all the work and sleep this person needs. It used to be so much fun and now I just plan my life around it (as usual) and I hate it. I promised myself after many things that happened last semester that I would never plan my life around someone and wait anymore. I need to do what makes me happy-but how do I figure that out? There are so many risks to find happiness.
Finally there is my family. I miss my family like crazy. Everyday I think about them and it sucks because when I talk to them on the phone you would never guess that I miss them as much as I do. I used to talk to my grandma on IM every night, but we have both been busy with other things lately. My sisters are all over the place and next year they will be even farther, and I wonder what I have sacrificed to be out here in the heat. My parents are always willing to talk and help, but from far away it just isn't the same. And every time someone mentions baseball I can't help but be sad about Graham's games that I am missing.
Tomorrow is 4/20 known for so many different things. National Drug Day, Hitler's birthday, 10th anniversary of Columbine. Some will be mourning, some will be high as a kite and living their lives however they choose-maybe seeing as many people as they can in a day, or going to places they've never been. Of all of the days in the year, this is one that I choose not to smoke on. Never have and probably never will-there is no rhyme or reason to it, just the way things have always been and something I don't ever want to change.
Well, I hope you have all enjoyed my insanity of a brain. I know it might be a lot and absolutely unentertaining. But, that's me. I will try to get some sleep now. I have a big deadline at work tomorrow.